Confession


I actually thought I won’t talk about it…or at least not for some time, maybe somewhere in the far future, when everything will be behind me.

But I am struggling with motivation lately and I am feeling somehow unhonest….So I think I have to get this out of me.

It’s not really easy and I am still questioning if I really want people to know it.

But it’s me. It’s how I am and how I feel right now and I can’t go further if I don’t get this out of me…

I have been struggling with anxiety for some time now…it’s been for about 3 years…

But let’s start at the beginning….

I was always that kind of person who wanted to DO IT ALL. I was very outgoing, open.minded. I always had a lot of people around me, tons of friends and always wanted to do thousand different things. Laying on the couch and doing nothing was a complete waste of time and I always felt like I am missing something if I wasn’t somehow productive.

On top of that, I was always very ambitious, I wanted to be »big«. But because I was interested in so many things, I couldn’t decide which one to focus on. So I was just jumping around, doing a million things, but not master any in particular. I was also quite hard on myself and was rarely satisfied.

I always thought I could do more, do better….nothing was good enough for me…

So it first started three years ago…. anxiety, fears, and panic attacks became part of me… I was scared literally all the time. I wasn’t even able to normally go far away from home by myself. I was irrationally certain that something will happen to me literally all the time. I was sure something was wrong with my body, my heart had an extremely high pulse, I was shaking and feeling dizzy. I started to get panic attack in ordinary everyday situations, like when I was in a traffic jam, or in the shopping center.

At that point, I thought it was the worse feeling ever, but as they say, …everything in life serves its purpose…after few months it was like a “new me “was born. I started to enjoy little things, I slowed down and started to look at life differently, everything started slowly fit into place.

Even when I was on my worse, I had a motivation and goals in life, to finish my study, to take time to find a job I love, to work out and enjoy time with my friends.

And after one of the worse parts of my life, I had one of the best.

But then things changed and I again allowed myself to fall into a »trap« of anxiety, stress, and exhaustion.

How did I allow myself to get back to my lowest point? And not even that…the second time was even worse, much more intense and much harder to deal with…

It was after I got well again, I thought that I’m ok and I can do a million things. I was determined I don’t want to waste my life, I wanted to do something important, I wanted to show the world, and mostly myself, that I can take care of myself, live alone, be independent and strong. I expected too much and when things didn’t go as planned, I got frustrated…

For a few months I was wondering how did I allow this to happen again, but in reality, I think I already know.

 

I think we all, deep inside know everything in life, but for many reasons, we don’t listen to ourselves and try to overcome our inner voice, which we realize, was always right.

 

So for the majority of a 2015-16 school year, I was so frustrated with where my life is, where I was I going, that I forced myself to “work hard”…

I was working two jobs but felt like they are not getting me anywhere. I was writing my masters, I had to train my dog who had behavioral problems and I completely changed my diet. I cut sugar overnight and didn’t eat many carbs which cost me losing my weight and my period.

At one point I was working for about 9-12 hours a day, walking my dog twice a day, writing my masters in the evening and workout before I went to sleep almost every night.

I didn’t go to vacation, I didn’t go literally anywhere to relax not even for one single day, I didn’t go to the seaside or in mountains, I almost didn’t see the sun and it was summertime…

So first it started with dizziness, I was tired all the time, with zero energy, I got sweaty for no reason, I was waking up at night, I felt like I’m on a rocket ship and I will completely lose control, my heart was pumping, but my blood pressure was extremely low…

And I felt sooo bad, I felt like a failure, not being able to provide for myself although I was working two jobs, I felt like I took a completely wrong path with my life, I wanted to be successful and independent…But all I was, was miserable, exhausted and empty.

On top of that, I had many friends which I truly love, but I kind of felt like they are completely on different points in their lives that I am. Some of them were moving away, some of them were starting families and some were still living typical student lives.

And I was somewhere in between everything. I felt like I will explode.

And I did….

My body couldn’t handle it anymore. It was telling me that for some time, but I wasn’t listening.

My body was under o much stress and couldn’t take it anymore…so it completely crashed down…

I was feeling anxious about all the body symptoms, I thought I was seriously ill, that I have a heart disease or cancer. Maybe it sounds silly, but I swear to you I felt sick, dizzy, hot and sweaty literally all the time…

I am generally happy and energized but everything about me changed at that time… it was like all happiness was sucked out of me…I wasn’t depressed….I was just tired…and scared.

But I kind of pushed myself to finished my masters….and after I was done, I was completely out of my system…

At first, I actually didn’t want to listen to anybody who was telling me to slow down. I was trying to hide my problems. Even from my mother and friends. And even from myself…..So I guess I had to hit a rock bottom to realize I need help.

For about three months I was completely unable to do anything. I was lying on my mom’s couch, I was afraid to sleep alone, I was getting panic attacks at night, my mom had to pick me up at one point at night because I had such a big attack I sware I thought I was dying. I was literally scared to go from Kranj to Ljubljana alone with my car, I was afraid to go ing hiking,  to go to shopping centers, to go to crowded places like concerts or cinema…because I felt like my body will just stop functioning and I will lose control.

I became completely unrecognizable…I was pale, wasn’t able to smile, when I went out with my friends just sitting there quietly and looking at the watch when will I be able to go home….

In my mind, I wanted to travel the world, taking pictures, writting blog, visiting new places, going on dates, having dinner parties with my friends, visiting friends around the world, making my own money, taking care of my dog, doing cherity, cooking, baking new dishes, buying local organic food, supporting local artist, going to concerts, events, premiers, snowboarding, hiking mountains, going to fitness, play tennis, horseback riding, learn new things, meet new people, enyonig christmas marcets, decorating my apartment, developing my mothers company,…

But I couldn’t do any of it. I was just laying, feeling lost and confused, trying to convinced myself that I can do everything I wrote up there, but in reality, I was so tired and scared, I just couldn’t…

I felt like that wasn’t me…just like some shadow, a gost….nothing…

It wasn’t depression. I wanted to get better, I was just thinking all the time about how I wanted to live and be happy and enjoy life again…

I knew I had to do something about it. I knew I want to get better. I knew I want to beat this thing.

I decided I don’t want to take antidepressants…I took Prozac a few years ago for about half a year, but this time I decided I want to beat it myself…because if my mind was able to get me to this point it can also get me out…

My mom is a therapist and she helped me a lot, I could never do it without her,…but I didn’t want to take pills…because I truly believe that if we don’t change our beliefs, thoughts, and how we treat ourselves, this thing will keep coming back to us, until we learn our lesson.

It’s so funny. My mom is psychologist and therapist and I was helping her with her company from the beginning…but at the same time, I was dealing with problems myself…

It’s been a year now since my lowest point and I have to say I’m better but far away from being completely ok…

You know how it is with our habits, you quickly fell into old patterns,….

So now I have my ups and downs, I’m much much better but still not really ok.

I don’t drink alcohol, I rarely go out, I don’t hang out with as many people as before, I need much more sleep, I’m still anxious about going hiking in higher mountains and if I don’t do deep relaxation techniques, my panic attacks come back to remind me to slow down….

But I’m much better, I am trying to believe that I am getting better and better every single day…

Right now my only wish is to feel good. My body and my mind are still not in the right balance…But I know I can’t be so hard on myself anymore. …

I did get much further from just lying on the couch…I am now walking my dog also on unfamiliar paths, I started my own blog, I am working with our firm, I visited Iceland with my mom and eastern Europe with friends and mostly I look at the world from different perspective…

I know that doesn’t sound a lot, but from not even being able to drive to Ljubljana by myself to this,…is still quite a big step for me…

So I am slowly, really slowly getting back on track.

Or not even back, I don’t actually want to go back,…

I know I have to take time, take thing slowly, step by step…

 

I am trying to enjoy what I have right now and make the best out of everything. And I know everything else will eventually come…

I want to clear my mind and let go of insecurities and burdens that are holding me back…

 

It was really hard for me to except that this is a part of me now. I always looked at myself as someone brave and independent. I was always extrovert and wanted to do everything.

But as a cliche, as it is….everything in life is either a blessing or a lession….

And this one is teaching me more about myself, life and other people then any other I had until now….

I decided to share my story because I see more and more people dealing with similar problems…

I want all of you to listen to your body and don’t be too harsh on yourself….

I know sometimes you feel like you can do it all…but you don’t have to go over yourself….

Becuase once your body has enough… it will show you in a hard way….

If you ever dealt with something similar, I would love to hear your story: I know how good it feels to know someone understands what you are going through…free

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So feel free to write me to kaja@kajastrnisa.com or send me a message on my Facebook or Instagram.

 

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Hope you all have clear mind and inner peace. Becuase that’s all that truly matters…

 

Love, Kaja

  • December 11, 2017

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